Eliza's birthday - 3 days away

Eliza turns one on Saturday - and she has changed so much in the last month that I hardly recognize her. She's really gaining weight, and says banana, mama, dada. It's not just the words, it's that she has many ways of making sound. She growls and pops, and sprays when she talks. She'll hum, "mama" when she pulls up from nursing. She holds her arms out to me flexed straight at the elbow, each finger stretched in anticipation when I come in to get her out of the crib. When my mom walked in last night, Eliza cupped the top of her head with her hands (she was also eating, and this was messy), and opened up into a smile you could have driven a truck into. She says the sounds all the time, but she does mean them sometimes also. She's kissing! Blowing kisses, and both Rick and I have been kissed on the lips. As she is able to do more and has more powers of communicaiton and expression, she is confirming what we've always known about her, which is that she is really fun, and really sweet. I think Eliza may just genuinely be a nice person.

We are having two birthday parties for her--on Saturday her baby friends (Rachel, Maggie and maybe Jack) are coming for tea along with their older siblings (Miriam, Aedan and maybe Sophia) and all their parents. In two weeks we'll have a family party.

As the month of January and early February have ticked by, it's hard not to think a lot about being pregnant at this time last year. All through January we were finishing projects, trying to get ready, and staving off the massive weight of exhaustion. With such stingy light, and this past week of cold weather, it's been more of the same.

I made a baby photo book for Eliza for her birthday and just remember how much light there was in the hospital room because she was born in the middle of the day and the room was on a high floor looking out into midtown. And then I remember the crushing fatigue of the months that came. I was so happy and warm and cozy in the apartment, but I also felt lost and scared a lot of the time, and afraid for Max.